LOL… Haven’t stopped laughing since I read this particular episode… You can call it our new year special.
The Culprit: Yemi Johnson (@yemijohnson) and he blogs Here
If your doctor has said you have the tendency to go crazy if pushed to much or deep down, you know you can, don’t read this… Cos you’ll definitely cross over…
And Damstylee won’t account for any bill at Yabaleft or Igbobi..
That said… Continue… At your own risk…
Passin the mic to Mr Johnson then…
Honestly, I told Dami I didn’t know what to write, so I decided to share some LEARNER stories with you all.
2 days ago, I was talking to my 4 year old nephew who has never disputed the fact that he’s a learner.
Last week, he put super glue in his eye.
He thought it was the mascara his mother used *sigh* We caught him on time and were able to save him from becoming a one eyed pirate; apparently that’s what he wants to become in future.
Not a doctor or scientist or even a father (being a father is a career also, that’s why there’s father day, equivalent of worker’s day).
Anyway, the boy asks me if I’m a learner. I feel insulted because I know what the smart little thing is driving at, so I respond
Me: Yes, I’m a learner. I’m still in school?
Nephew: Uncle Yemi, but why did you bash my mummy’s car against the house?
Me: Ehn! it was the house that hit me, very naughty house, that’s why Santa didn’t come to our house to drop gifts.
Luckily, he believes in Santa and the toothfairy courtesy of his mother. And certainly there will be a talking house in some of the cartoons he watches after all, I have seen talking trains, talking cars even talking bed sheets. It would be a total surprise if there’s no talking house. Hopefully he believed me, my rhetoric seemed pretty convincing.
I GUESS THIS IS WHERE I PUT UP A DISCLAIMER.
DISCLAIMER: EVEN THOUGH, SO MANY OF YOU HAVE NEVER READ ONE IN YOUR LIVES JUST BECAUSE LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO READ DISCLAIMERS, IT’S ADVISABLE YOU READ THIS OR STOP HERE AND CLOSE YOUR BROWSER.
Whatever I say from here on is completely fictional, if you ever think this story is true then may Jesus be a source of common sense.
• • •
Just yesterday, I was about taking a shower, infact I had stepped into the bath when I remembered that I forgot to lock the front door after my mum left. So I stepped out all nude and what not and without a care in the world. I walked towards the anteroom passing the parlor on the way. I locked the door and by the time I turned back, magic happened, I thought I was in a movie. Apparently my mum’s tailor remained behind because I was meant to give her money which I totally forgot. Anyway, I leave the rest of the awkwardness to your imagination.
• • •
That brings us to today’s post – Igbo boy and the PVR decoder.
*Somewhere in a remote village in Anambra*
Mum: Ugo, now that you are on holidays, you will go and leave with your aunty in the big city tomorrow.
Ugo: Is it the one in Abuja with the DSTV just like our neighbor?
Mum: Yes, the last time I was there, she had more stations than our neighbor, she said they pay #1,500 and her she pays #9800. She has even bought an AC. Those people in the city are rich; very soon, you too will become a big man in the city
Ugo is very excited and cannot stop grinning from ear to ear.
*Sometime later… Somewhere in the outskirts of Abuja*
Aunty Ngozi: I don’t want you going over to my neighbour’s beer parlor. If I smell alcohol on your body…. I will kill you.
She gives him #200 to buy food for himself and teaches him how to use the PVR decoder. She gives him the remote to see if he understands.
Aunty Ngozi: Good, you are a smart boy sha!…. Also, I’m sharing payment for the DSTV with my neighbor, so you can view what he’s watching but most times it will be on a sports station because of the men that come to drink at the beer parlor. Ok then, bye-bye!
Ugo: Thank you aunty! bye-bye!
Ugo buys a loaf of agege bread, sachet blueband margarine and a sachet water for breakfast and keeps the remaining #100.
#100 seemed like a lot of money; before now, the highest currency note in his possession was #50. He was sure that if he was given #200 each day and he saved #100 for the 2 months he was staying with his aunt he would almost be as rich as his mum that traded bad farm produce at the market and raked in as much as #50 profit on a good day.
Maybe I will buy my own house and marry Amaka with her fine breast and nyash; she knows I like her and my thing always stands up each time she passes. Poor Ugo thought in his 15 years old mind. He has never gotten anything higher than an F in math’s since he entered school despite he was repeating Js 3 for the third time.
Ugo perused through the channels; unfortunately there’s no Afmag Igbo, so he settles for the regular Afmag but then again English has never been his favorite language and so he changes it to Afmag Yoruba because Yoruba people are very cool and every igbo person secretly wishes he/she were Yoruba.
After 3 hours of enjoying Yoruba movies, Ugo decides to peruse other stations again and then he sees something.
“Ha! Ashon movie!” He exclaims.
After 5 minutes of the best fight scene he has ever seen in his life, something even more critical happened. He saw something very unusual on tv for the first time in his life. Something he thought people only did in secret like his father and his neighbor’s daughter, the same thing he has always wanted to do to Amaka since he realized the pleasures his right hand could make him feel.
With his newly acquired knowledge of the DSTV PVR decode, he rewound, paused, fast forwarded, slow mo’d and played the sex scene over and over and over again, infact an infinite amount of over agains.
Meanwhile or maybe unfortunately, the tv at the beer parlor was viewing the same thing as Aunty Ngozi’s decoder and it really got the drunks turned on and they ended up raping the 2 female waitresses.
Aunty Ngozi got word of what happened and in a bout of massive anger, she calls out to Ugo and says
“Are you as stupid as your mother that doesn’t know your father is cheating
- OR ARE YOU JUST A LEARNER?”
I guess we all know who the true learner is here, who gives a village boy that much space?
That was crazy… I bet you feel the same way…
Do drop your comments and share the post, Everybody deserves to laugh….
Happy New Year From Us At Damstylee.wordpress.com again!
God bless your hustle this new year!