Letter to GEJ

This letter is fictional, the motive isn’t.

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Hey Johnny!
Sorry Sir, where are my manners?
Good day President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan

What’s up? How are you doing? I hope everything is fine up there. I mean Aso Rock or wherever those journalists say you live.

How’s Dame? Not heard from her in quite a while. I hope she’s alright although I doubt if that’s what I’m hoping for.

Why so mean? You ask.

It’s because I’m still paying for her atrocious murders to the great language of the queen. Now everyone thinks I’m a born assassin all because of her. Last week, a white business man said he won’t discuss business with me without getting an interpreter. Over the phone o! What’s the relationship between spoken English and business?

Hell NO! I replied him. Why do I need a reporter? I’m 5’11; black, confident and I can speak fluent English. Imagine what he told me; he said that’s exactly the problem and curious me had to ask him why. Thinking about it now, I wish I didn’t. His reply was this and I quote;

“If your number one’s citizen (he means you)‘s wife can’t, I sincerely doubt you can. And to rub salt on the injury, he added; “from my experience, wherever the biggest baboon leads, all the other baboons follow.” Sir, I hope you see what he did there, but that’s by the way. That’s not why I’m writing this letter.

How are the ‘men’ from the senate and House of Reps. I would be damned if I don’t ask after them. I have been watching their meetings of recent and that’s when it hit me; their meeting house or whatever it’s called is inappropriate for their activities. They barely get enough weapons to weave and throw at each other when they go all rouge. I say we put them in a very big ring and hide gloves, knives maybe even rocket launchers in different compartments so it’ll be like unreal tournament or death race. That will be fun yea?
I know you understand what I’m saying. Give them an habitat that will make them comfortable, send them to the gym, let them wear battle suits for meetings like star trek and the ones that have bulging stomachs can dress like them Spartacus or those guys in 300.

What am I saying?

My kind is the future of tomorrow. At least that’s what you tell us every time but isn’t it time for the future yet? Developed countries have soared because they have given their youth a chance. Why can’t the future be now? Why can’t you let those old men kill themselves? Apparently they enjoy fighting. So don’t stop them. In fact, encourage them. My mum told me if I had told her I wanted to be a musician, she would have supported me, but I know she’s bluffing. She has seen how ‘good’ most of our musicians are, she most definitely was joking. So if our senators and members of the house like fighting, encourage them. Maybe when they wipe each other out, we won’t have to resort to the method the Ghanaians employed and wipe them out ourselves.

Now for my letter’s main purpose;
But before I rush into it, how are the kids. I hope they are having fun in their schools abroad. Or have they finished? That’ll be cool. Four or five straight years in the university without any hitch. I bet they are glad they are out of school and that the government over there made sure the school and the lecturers were at peace. Do you see what I just did there; I just glided into the ASUU strike issue without you knowing. Same way Boko ***** did it. You really should work on your defenses.

Bros J, what is happening to my education? Your children are lounging wherever they are, and I’m doing countdown here. By the way, its 42 days already, I hope you’re happy. ASUU said they wanted 92 billion or whatever, can’t you talk to them or pay them or do anything? My life is at stake here! But then do you care, your children and those of your counterparts, maybe even the children of the ASUU guys representing us are in their various schools abroad. You pay their school fees and buy exorbitant houses, suites and cars for them while my education is on hold and I’m left to counting days as they flow by.
I hope this is not a dirty scheme to make sure those old men we spoke about earlier stay in power. If it is, my God is watching you o!

I don’t even know how to put this anymore. My friends in Covenant and Babcock are mocking me already. I’m in my final year and I’ve spent six years already in my school but they’ve spent their respective four or five years and yet we lie to ourselves that federal universities are better than private universities. How can they be better if they don’t even run? My juniors in secondary school are catching up, my lecturers are broke and I am fed up.

You swore to do everything in your power with the well being of the country in mind. I hope you remember every word of your swearing in because if I don’t get you myself, my God will.

Yours,
“Federal University Graduate” Wannabe

p.s. Sorry I didn’t add “faithfully or sincerely after the “yours” in the final greeting. My English teacher is on strike so he didn’t teach me but you already know that, don’t you?

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