Disclaimer: I tried imitating the manner in which native black americans speak so anything suspicious is not a Gbagaun.
Enjoy and make sure you drop a comment. 😉
The scene opens in the sitting room of my 3-bedroom apartment. I’m seated with my three kids.
Me: Children. Settle down quick. I want to tell you a story and we don’t have time.
Niyola: Story for what?
Me: Shut up. Just listen. Story Story.
Trevone: TF! Sto what? What the heck you talking about man?
Me: Hey. Shut up there Trevone. That’s how they told stories when I was little.
Trevone: Whatever man.
Me: I’m not a man, I’m your father.
Trevone: Technically, you’re a man.
Me: Sharrap, Nigga. So kids, listen. k(C)atherine, I love how quiet you’ve been, keep it up.
k(C)atherine: Dad, my name starts with a K not a C.
Me: No, it doesn’t. From today, you’re Catherine.
Niyola: How does that many any sense?
Me: Shut up!
Trevone: Nigga’s pained.
I smack him on his forehead.
Trevone: Dude. What was that for? Slap me again and I’m gonna call the cops.
Me: The police? In Nigeria? Please do, by the time they get here, I’ll be dead and you’ll be 40.
Trevone: You just bluffing.
c(K)atherine starts crying.
Me: Hey you, why are you crying?
k(C)atherine: I don’t know. Its fun I guess.
Me: Gosh, you guys are unbearable. Where’s your mum when I need her?
Niyola: Errm… You chased her away.
Me: Fuuuu! Don’t say stuff like that here. Don’t you know people are reading and this is supposed to be about love.
Niyola: But Dad, you don’t know what love is.
Me: Iru awo omo wo ni mo biyi? (What kind of kids did I give birth to? Point of correction. I speak love, I teach love, some people even call me love.
Trevone: Liar. This nigga’s crazy. I’m out of here.
He stands up to leave and I drag him back to his seat.
Trevone: What the heck dude?
Me: Stand up one more time and I’ll go exchange you at the orphanage. They be looking for crazy niggas like you.
Trevone: That’s a federal offence. I would get you arrested.
Me: Yea… Yea.. Femme la bush. Just listen to my story and you k(C)atherine; stop crying.
Me: Because big girls don’t cry.
k(C)atherine: Beyonce doesn’t cry?
Me: No, she doesn’t.
Me: Good, now for the story: There was a man. His name was Mike and he was 40 years old. He was handsome and loving.
Trevone: Hehe. I could have sworn you were talking about yourself until you mentioned handsome and loving. And then I was like; Nah, can’t be you. You ugly AF.
Me: Trevone, if you interrupt me again, I’ll kill you.
Trevone: Ok nigga, ride on.
Me: So the man was handsome and loving. His locks were golden and his right hand jab with a sword was deadly.
Trevone: Nigga switched to Brad Pitt in Troy. No brain. Lol.
I slap him on the right cheek.
Me: That’s for interrupting me. But one day, he was relaxing in the afternoon and a BB10 dropped to him from the sky.
Niyola: What’s a BB10 got to do with this story?
Me: Can’t you just listen? Sha to cut the long story short, he lost the BB10 and he asked me to ask you three to get it for him.
Trevone: Now for the sad part.
Me: First, we’re gonna take a group photograph.
Trevone: Hell no… No way am I taking a picture with you.
Me: Not me. Three of you.
Trevone: Okay. Why are we taking a picture though?
Me: Don’t ask me. Just stay together. Trevone, hold k(C)atherine like a good big brother. Now smile and say cheese.
Trevone: Chee what? Why do we have to say that?
Me: Trev, imma kill you! Just say cheese.
Trevone: Pained Nigga.
Me: Ready? Say cheese.
Me: Now Trevone, take this picture and go photoshop it. Add “We love you TNC”
Trevone: I knew it! So that’s why you want Katherine’s name to start with a C. You’re a sly fox Papa.
Me: I know. Just hurry.
Trevone: You sure they not gonna nab you.
Me: Hell no. They got one sly dog themselves.
Me: Sirkastiq. Nigga’s crazy. Probably thought of a scheme to win all the prizes for himself.
Trevone: Toolsman and Toxic are not gonna let him.
Me: Let’s hope so. Sha hurry, the deadline is tomorrow.
Twenty minutes later.
Trevone: Dad, I’m done.
Me: Let me see it.
Me: What?! Trevone, are you crazy? Where is the original picture?
Trevone: Oh, so you thought I was gonna upload my picture to TNC. The whole world reads TNC and its bad enough I look like you, you now want the whole world to know.
Me: Hmm… True that. But these kids are white, you’re black.
Trevone: You see. They not gonna know. I tweaked the HDR setting a little so the kids look brown. No sane human’s gonna notice.
Me: *clears throat* But I noticed.
Trevone: Who said you were sane?
Me: Fuuuu! Get out of here and make another one. Scrap the kids. Nonsense child.
Trevone: Crazy Nigga… Mscheww
Well, TNC its being 3 years. 3 awesome years I would say. I won’t call myself an avid fan but I do frequent the site and I have to admit, you’re the role model of blogs in Nigeria and probably Africa too.
So I dedicate this post to you.
Happy 3rd Anniversary!!!
I know my post doesn’t quite follow the theme but I guess creativity got the better part of me. I do want the BB 10 though. 😐
Ff @damstylee on Twitter
Thanks for reading. Do drop a comment. :d