Hi there… Happy Monday morning… I meant that though -____-
Let me gist you about a joke I shared with a friend yesterday on our way back from Babcock University.
The joke was simple yet witty.
“Imagine God suddenly blessed animals with super intelligence much like ours” like those predator sharks in that classic movie; Jaw.
I for one laughed at my intending doom. My friend just sunk in his chair at the realization of his predicament.
“They would hunt us down and kill us one by one… After all the bullish methods we’ve adopted in maiming and eating them.” We said and laughed when our thoughts and imaginations coincided.
So we, my friend and I sought to describing the animals that had it out for us (Jobless lads right?… We couldn’t help it, We were stuck in a traffic jam along Shagamu road. Man can’t die of boredom right?).
So back to our plot… We categorized them ranking from the animals that might not utilize their God-given intelligence to harm us that much to those that won’t hesitate one bit before they plan their mass MANslaughter. I daresay I pity some people especially those men with big tummies stuffed with various kinds of animal meats and sticks of suya, there would be no remorse for them. There might not be need for Armageddon when these animals are done.
I made some sort of list afterwards. I’ll lead you through the hierarchy. We’ll make it some sort of count down.
10. Wild Animals: Lions, Hippos, Rhinos, Sharks…
Well, If you fit in with this category. There’s not much I can say, you’re finished. I don’t expect any Nigerian to be scared by this category cos the black man himself is scared of them. So I’m guessing this group is for our white brothers. So, enjoy Amigos. A lion with a gun? I really don’t want to be you.
My people. I hear some of you delight in snake meat. I’ve also heard it tastes like fish. That’s where my knowledge ends though. If I want a meal that’s tastes like fish, I will eat fish. My friend wasn’t so lucky here… Once, he had sat down with men demolishing snake meat. My sympathy bro. You won’t stand a chance against a cunny snake in an armour tank.
My God… I still don’t believe this. People eat crickets?! I’m not even sure If they have any ounce of meant or whatever on their tiny bodies. You people that have devoured them though, your judgement would be like one of those Egyptian plagues from the Bible.
Ibo people? Why???
This is on you… You brought this upon yourself.
I rejoiced at first when We came upon the Pigs category. I have never taken pork and was already whirling around in celebration when my friend shut me down and reminded me that bacon and sausages came from those filthy animals. I can bet I swallowed spit at the thought of it. A slimy Pig, kitchen knife, Me… There could only be one outcome.
5. Ram/ Goat
Our Muslim brothers and sisters, this is your personal category. Nuff said.
Aha! Everyone is affected here!
Imagine the likes of the Kote, Tilapia, Stock fish, Mackerel, Titus, Catfish and Whales thundering out of the ocean with a resounding shout of war. Nobody is safe here… We’re all gonna d*e.
I reckon the Fish should rank higher than the Turkey but I reserved this space for the Turkey for our average earning families to the affluent ones in Nigeria and the Thanksgiving loving citizens of America. Those menacing looking birds won’t be kind on y’all. They will stomp, maim, pluck out eyeballs and kill afterwards. It would be a gory sight. Sadly, I would be in the mix of it.
Iya Basirat people, the beef loving congregation of Covenant University, Customers of meat sellers, Suya fanatics, Anybody and everybody that has ever tasted cow meat. Be it the normal beef, shaki, pomo or whichever one. Those four legged once-dull creatures won’t go easy on us. This time everything they see would be red.
1. And last but definitely not the least; Chicken.
This is the end.
Christmas, Easter, KFC, TFC, Chicken suya, Eggs. Dare I say more? You think chopping their heads off before u dip them in hot steamy water to remove their feathers is cool right? Wait till you see what killing mechanism they invent cos of us.
Well, that’s it.
My countdown of the animals that would declare war immediately they sense they have been blessed with super intelligence.
My advice is simple; Be a vegetarian.
This was all jokes though. God will never so cruel as to bless those beasts with our level of intelligence. We are indeed safe. Let this be a reminder that this situation could have been more critical. Enjoy life more.
So, Kill that chicken… Roast that cow… Grill that fish… Chop those sausages and have an awesome meal. You deserve it.
Again, Congrats to the graduating set of Babcock University… The world awaits your stardom.
Also, Happy Birthday to a great indigenous writer; Mr Walt Shakes… Many more fruitful years to come. His latest post; Something Old ‘N’ Borrowed was the inspiration for this very post. Thank you Sir.
Do have a lovely Monday. God bless.